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Am I supposed to honour my parents if they abused me? This is a difficult question. Why are we asking it?

[To hear the podcast version of this same post, click here.]

Recently I taught through the Ten Commandments in a series called “The Royal Family Code.” Commandment number five in Exodus 20:12 states: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”

During that sermon (which you can link to here) I mentioned that I would produce an extra resource to address a situation where abuse has been present. Honouring your parents seems like a reasonable and loving thing to do when everything is healthy (or mostly healthy), but what about when physical, emotional, or even sexual abuse, has been present?

That’s the question I’m going to address here.

To “Honour”

First, let’s look at the meaning of the word “honour.” After looking at a few of the basics, we’ll return to the challenging situation where abuse has been present.

Our English word “honour” translates the Hebrew word “chaved.” It means “to be heavy, weighty, honoured.” Honouring parents, therefore, means they should be ‘weighty’ in our lives—not physically, but in terms of priority.

We should also note that the Ten Commandments were given to God’s people (the Hebrews) as they were gathered at Mount Sinai. They were in a covenant relationship with God. He agreed to be their God and they agreed to be his people. In other words, they were believers.

The assumption going forward is that parents would be doing their best to walk in the ways of the Lord. Honouring our parents makes colossal sense when those parents are trusting God, striving to be faithful, and are teaching their own children his perfect commands (as per Deuteronomy 6:4-9).

Priority, Respect, Care

So far so good. But honouring them can still seem a bit theoretical. So what does this actually look like? During the sermon I highlighted three words to direct us: Priority, respect and care. Let’s look at each of them briefly.

First, priority.

In terms of priority, think of a to-do list. Parents should shift toward the top. This is related to the authority they have in our lives.

Second, respect.

In terms of respecting them, we do well to remember they too are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) just like everyone else. They made significant sacrifices for us while we grew up, and possibly even now. We use respectful words toward them, and when they talk we listen carefully and consider the weight of their experience and wisdom. We may not always agree with them—and when we become adults we need to make decisions for ourselves—but we have a posture of respect regarding what they say.

All of this is related to humility—something we sometimes call the cardinal virtue. No matter how good we do in life, no matter how high we climb, no matter what accolades we may or may not have achieved, our parents wiped our backsides. We need to remember that part of our history.

This principle of humility as it relates to parents comes across well in a story about Sir Thomas More. Thomas lived in the 1500’s in England. He is most famously known as the author of the book Utopia. He also had his head cut off by King Henry the 8th, but that’s a story for another day. An idealized summary of his story is presented in the Oscar-award winning movie, A Man For All Seasons. Here’s the story.

More was the first non-clergyperson to be Lord High Chancellor of England, which was basically the second highest position in the realm—second only to the King himself. In a biography about his life a story is told about how Thomas was known to interact with his father, John. Thomas was on the king’s high council, Lord Chancellor, and highly respected up and down the land. But whenever his father, John, was around, More would bow to him out of respect. Technically, More was “higher” than his father, but More was still his son. He went out of his way to show respect to the one who gave him life. Others noticed his humility. Yes, Thomas was Lord High Chancellor, but his dad was still his dad.

Third, care.

In terms of caring, this is a very practical dimension of what it means to honour our parents. We care for them as they age and as they have different needs.

It needs to be said that this is increasingly a challenge since people are living longer and longer. Craig Evans says that “Life expectancy was short in the time of Jesus—more than half died before reaching 30.”[i]  That was in Jesus’ time. When the Ten Commandments were given it was roughly 1500 years before that!

Today, people are living longer and longer. We have invented ways for people to keep going. In many ways this is good. But it also complexifies the responsibility to care for parents who are living longer and longer.

When it comes to care, some adult children will be able to do it themselves. It often requires a lot of work and commitment. I know some people who have been able to do this. It is commendable. Other people will need outside help. They may need the help of a special caregiver or a nursing home. This is still providing care. It’s just that you’re asking someone with a certain level of specialized training to provide what you are unable to.

Those three words—priority, respect and care—are, I think, helpful in terms when thinking through what it means in a practical sense to honour our parents.

A Command with a Promise

Before we move on to situations where abuse has been present, let me highlight one more thing.

The fifth commandment is also the only command with a promise attached to it. We are to honour our parents “that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”

This is a general principle that is usually true, not a specific promise that is always true. Scholar Terence Fretheim says: “If the commandment is obeyed, life will go better for one, generally speaking.” Why? Think of the context. The relationship between parents and children is the fundamental building block of society. “No interhuman relationship is so basic as that between children and parents. It is a fundamental order of creation. At no age do people cease to be children of parents.”[ii]

At the time of Moses, and as the Hebrews wandered through the wilderness on their way to the promised land there were no schools, no hospitals, no nursing homes, no ambulances, no PSWs, no anything. Life would go better, generally speaking, if that basic unit was caring for one another.

Honouring parents also set a good example to our own children, who will learn from your example and hopefully pass that on. Things will ‘go well’ on an ongoing basis because of this pattern.

When we neglect the basic family unit, bad things tend to happen. This is true not only on the personal level, but on the national level. Roughly 2000 years after the Ten Commandments, the prophet Ezekiel (in Ezekiel 22:7) said that one of the reasons the city of Jerusalem was destroyed and the people were exiled to another nation, was because fathers and mothers were treated with contempt. Wow. Mistreating parents contributing to the destruction and banishment of the nation as a whole!

Abuse

Having said all that, let’s move to the difficult situation where abuse has been present. Let me also say that this isn’t just a theoretical question. As a pastor, I’ve been asked this question by someone who was trying to faithfully navigate a bad situation. Perhaps some of you listening to this are wondering about the answer because this bears on your own situation as well.

As we proceed, remember that I’m a pastor and student of the Bible, not a therapist. Based on your specific situation and experiences you may need to reach out for some professional help. I encourage you to do so. Seek a good Christian counselor. I also encourage you to think and pray through some of the points I’m about to share.

Let me also encourage you to listen or read to the end. Some of the picture isn’t the whole picture. I think that it is only after considering several different angles that we start to discern a way forward.

First, your ultimate Parent is in heaven.

People let us down. They sometimes do bad things to us. This is regrettable. I wish it didn’t happen, but it does. We live in a fallen world. People have the ability to make choices, including bad ones. This hurts people, including children, and perhaps you. The sin of Eden casts a long shadow, not just generally, but specifically.

In Romans 3:23, Paul explains that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. This includes parents. You often hear it said that this or that parent “did their best.” But in reality, no one has done their best. Not you, not me, not my parents, not your parents. They may have had good intentions, maybe, but we all miss the mark.

Jesus addressed God as his “heavenly Father.” In the Lord’s Prayer he taught us to do the same. While our earthly parents are certainly important, we are to look first to God. Only he is perfectly good, holy, wise, loving and true. Seek solace in him. Seek healing in him. Seek hope in him.

Second, pray into a position of forgiveness.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. I’ve heard people say “forgive and forget.” No offense but I think that’s a naïve way to look at things. In fact, those two words are so closely fused in so many people’s minds that they think they’re the same thing. They’re not.

You can forgive, even if you can’t forget. But why is this even important? Because Jesus says so, and it’s actually for our own good. Let me explain.

Immediately after giving us the words of the Lord’s Prayer, he goes so far as to say this in Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Wow, forgiveness is that important.

In Colossians 3:12-13 the apostle Paul describes what it means to be a new person as a follower of Christ: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

The point is this. All of us sin. By ourselves we are eternally separated from God. But Christ has reconciled us. We have received forgiveness as a free gift. Since we have been given peace with God—through what Christ has done and not because of what we have done—we should have that same radical posture toward others. N.T. Wright says: “If you didn’t live forgiveness, you were denying the very basis of your own existence.”[iii]

In short, forgiven people forgive people.

Sharing love and forgiveness (even when it is difficult) is a consistent theme throughout the Bible. It is intended to be a defining feature of the people of God. We are to love even our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44).

This is all the more challenging when abusers are parents. After all, they are in a position of authority and trust. Scars can last forever and run deep. Some of these scars are visible, but many others are invisible.

As already mentioned, forgiveness isn’t about forgetting. Nor is it about condoning what someone did. Forgiveness includes letting go of the grudges and past hurts which continue to control you. Think of an eagle’s talons. They sink deep into their pray. Un-forgiveness can be like this. We commit a certain person—along with their actions—to God. Only he is Judge. We find our freedom in Christ.

If this is hard—and for many people, it is—ask God to help you. “Dear God, help me forgive…”

Third, new boundaries probably need to be set.

An abusive person may still be abusive. They may need help. It is unwise to be in their presence, or to let loved ones into their presence, especially those who are vulnerable, like children.

The Bible includes many examples of the contaminating effect of others. In 1 Corinthians 15:33 Paul writes: “Bad company ruins good morals.” Proverbs 13:20 is also well-known: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”

If someone continues to be a hurtful presence you are not required to be in that presence. The Lord continually shows compassion for those who are oppressed. He upholds their cause (Psalm 146:7) and “regards the prayer of the destitute” (Psalm 102:17). He desires that evil cease, that oppression is corrected, and that justice be sought (see, for example, Isaiah 1:16-17).

Remember the intent of the Ten Commandments. They were—and are—for everyone’s well-being. Can you imagine a world where everyone honoured God, truly rested one day a week, and were honest and respectful toward others? It would be a global revolution of grace! Let’s not forget that original vision. We cannot use the Ten Commandments to justify subservience to sin or evil. Nor should we just use them to continue a harmful status quo for people who are misusing the word of the Lord.

Fourth, God first, not humans, and certainly not evil.

This last point is related to the first, that our ultimate Parent is in heaven. We seek to do his will, and to advance his kingdom, first.

In Acts 5 Peter and the apostles got into hot water for teaching in Jesus’ name. Their response was classic: “We must obey God rather than men” (verse 29). This includes doing and saying certain things which are sometimes against what our earthly parents are saying.

I’d like to share with some words from Jennifer Greenberg. She suffered abuse at the hand of her father for 20 years. In public her dad was an upright Christian. He even taught others about the Bible. But at home his family, including young Jennifer, lived in fear.

Now as an adult she reflects upon her experience and upon our desire to follow God’s commands when evil is present. She writes: “Honoring ungodly people means calling them to repent of their sin, encouraging them to do what is right, and preventing them from doing further evil. An honorable response to sin is confronting it, refusing to enable it, and reporting crimes to law enforcement. In the spirit of the law [of the Ten Commandments], I honored my father by refusing to succumb to the damage his sin inflicted. I honored my father by reporting his abuses. I honored my father by breaking the cycle and being a godly parent to my children. I honor my father daily by not letting him near my daughters.”[iv]

Different Situations, Different Needs

As I bring this to a close I am aware that there are many different people either reading or listening to this, including those who have experienced some sort of abuse but who want to be faithful to the commandments. Your situations are surely different. I encourage you to see help, if needed, and to seek direction ultimately from God. Christ is the source of all wisdom (Colossians 2:3). The Lord is our rock and salvation (Psalm 62:2). He is our healer (Exodus 15:26). And he is the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6). I also encourage you to connect with other loving, supportive and prayerful Christians in a flesh-and-blood church community where the gospel is preached and lived.

Summary

Let me summarize:

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” The word “honour” translates the Hebrew word “chaved,” meaning “to be heavy, weighty, honoured.” Originally, this commandment was given to people striving to be faithful to God and to his ways. It was for the well-being and flourishing of the whole community. Practically speaking, we honour our parents by giving them priority, respect and care.

The concept of honouring someone takes shape in different ways, depending on the situation, and certainly depending on whether or not abuse has been present. When that has been the case we do well to remember that our ultimate Parent is in heaven; that we pray into a position of forgiveness; that new boundaries probably need to be set; and that God is first, not humans, and certainly not evil.

A Hint from Heaven

I’d like to end with a story about someone striving to honour their parents in the best way possible from one of the darkest periods in human history: the holocaust. It comes to us from the experience of Viktor Frankl, a Jewish neurologist and psychologist, and the author of Man’s Search for Meaning.

When Frankl was living in Austria he had an opportunity to leave the country. He was invited to go to the American Consulate in Vienna to get his immigration visa. This would permit him to leave the country. Why wouldn’t he? Hitler was now occupying Austria and there were horrible stories. Why wouldn’t he want to leave so that he could continue his research in a safer location? Should he stay or should he go?

You’d think the answer would be easy. However, leaving Austria would also mean something else: leaving his parents. He felt a tugging to stay and protect his parents from whatever might be in store for them. He was looking for “a hint from Heaven” about what to do.

This is what Frankl says about what happened next: “It was then that I noticed a piece of marble lying on a table at home. When I asked my father about it, he explained that he had found it on the site where the National Socialists had burned down the largest Viennese synagogue. He had taken the piece home because it was a part of the tablets on which the Ten Commandments were inscribed. One gilded Hebrew letter was engraved on the piece; my father explained that this letter stood for one of the Commandments. Eagerly I asked, “Which one is it?” He answered, “Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long upon the land.” At that moment I decided to stay with my father and my mother upon the land, and to let the American visa lapse.”[v]

Frankl interpreted the presence of that piece of marble as his “hint from Heaven.” He stayed out of a desire to honour his parents, and he faced the consequences. But he was showing them priority, respect and care.

By the merciful grace of God, may we all do the same as best we can and in faithfulness to the word of God.

 

[i] Craig Evans, Jesus and His World (Augsburg, 2013), 111.

[ii] Terence E. Fretheim, Exodus (Louisville: John Knox Press, 1991), 231.

[iii] N.T. Wright, The Lord and His Prayer (Eerdmans, 2014), 54.

[iv] “Honoring Your Father When He’s Evil” by Jennifer Greenberg. Published by The Gospel Coalition, June 18, 2021 at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/honoring-father-evil/. Accessed on July 29, 2025.

[v] Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning (Boston: Beacon Press, 2006), xv-xvi.